As defined by the Oxford Dictionary:
(Of an event, situation, or condition) not occurring very often:
Rare indeed, do I post nowadays.
So, why now?
After a week or so of having tough nights where my mind just wanders in circles and prevent me from falling asleep – thus not getting enough rest to get about with my daily activities. I think it’s time i started noting these thoughts down again.
Does it mean i’ll start blogging more often again now, I hardly think so.
I’ll jump straight into it.
I’ve been unable to drag myself to blog at all ever since I moved to Singapore. I don’t fully know why, but I think it’s because..
- I’m generally content with life. If i look back, i think most of my posts were due to complains or discontent with myself. Creativity seems to flow more abundantly when I’m unhappy.
- I’m so busy with work that when I get home, it becomes painful to be creative.
- I’m using so much of my brain to do analytical work that I think my creative side has just shut down? Is that even possible? Or perhaps i’m not just naturally creative at all, and require extensive effort to TRY to be creative. If so, disappointing :\
OK, back to why I’m blogging today..
Have you ever wondered about how you’ve become who you are, what makes you, you and are you content with who you are? Recently, I’ve been giving a lot of thought to this.
I don’t know for certain when this began, but I’ve been starting to find that a lot of my actions or thoughts are quite.. peculiar. If I were to describe myself in a few simple words, I would consider these:
Those 3, I’ve known already for quite a while. But recently, I’m struggling to accept that I may also be… a Gambler.
Prior to arriving at being a Gambler, I’ve always thought of myself as merely having a higher tolerance for risk. However, recent events have started to make me realise that not only do I have a high tolerance, but I may in fact, be actively seeking out risky situations (not the tangible kind).
Now, I know for certain that I have no other addictions beyond gaming addiction – I definitely already talked about this on my post once upon a time. So, I don’t mean that I go to the casino or any sort of gambling activity to dish out money in hopes of gaining more money in return. Instead, I seem to be gambling with my own wellbeing.
So if we put all that together, I’m indecisive, persistent, a perfectionist and also a gambler. How does this even fit together? I don’t know. They are quite contradictory..
When i first openly declared that I’m a perfectionist, it was many many years ago when I was still in university. I’ve since come to adapt to my surroundings (mainly work) and remoulded my behaviour and understanding of perfectionism to ‘striving to be better’. I no longer need something to be perfect, it just has to be better than before. I can go on and on about that, but let’s not do that today. Ok let’s start over – Indecisive, Persistent, Strive to be Better (is there a one word equivalent for this?), and Gambler.
Ok here’s what I’m at war with within my head.
I want a new career. I currently work as a Risk Consultant in a declining oil and gas industry but I’m in a desperate need of a change and I’ve long known that my interest lies in IT. What exactly? I haven’t fixated on anything yet, simply because I haven’t tried anything, but one thing’s for sure, my interest spans quite a bit.
For those who followed my blog once upon a time, are aware that I finally made an effort to eject myself from this vicious cycle of stable but dissatisfied employment by letting my manager know of my intentions to resign IF this project in Singapore fell through (at that time it was a pretty high likelihood that we weren’t going to get it). I was totally ready for it. I did not even try to prepare a backup, nor seek alternative employment. I knew I just wanted to stop. Funny enough, we won the project and here I am in Singapore.
Truthfully, I’m quite blessed and no doubt thankful that we did win this project, because after going through 9 months of it, I’ve definitely gained a lot more experience and knowledge. More importantly, it has reaffirmed my desire to venture into IT. But.. that’s not all. It’s also brought out that inner desire to pursue entrepreneurship even more. What does this mean these days? Easy. Start-up.
However, the core problem in all this is.. I have very little work experience in IT, and I have no contacts to start-a-start-up. I believe I mentioned before, I’m terrible at human interaction. Nothing’s changed since. I’m still a social piranha and a small network circle. A lot of it has to do with my insistence on not mixing work and life. Which means, I don’t like to and don’t want to have colleagues as friends. Although that’s the easiest and best way.. I haven’t quite acknowledged or come to the conclusion that I should. Despite saying that, I’ve also come to learn that my inability is not so much to do with my
OK, I’m diverging a bit, so let me retract. As I’m quite indecisive, I’m often crippled by choices. The way I’ve chose to deal with this; as I have in many aspects of my life, is to either let someone choose for me, or eliminate my choices.
Example – a few months after starting my work in Singapore, I openly expressed my interest in other industries, specifically Data Analytics in IT. Not just to colleagues, but to my immediate Managers. Yes, that’s shooting myself in the foot there. Why would anyone do that? It’s a recipe for being excluded on any future promotions, involvement in projects, etc, etc and being in the industry where you might just be laid off tomorrow, It’s like I’m simply asking for it. Just so you know, I am still employed, but probably only because my contract term hasn’t expired yet, hahaha. However, to me, that’s how I force myself to get out. There’s definitely better ways of approaching this, but this was what I did and well, been told my actions are irrational.
Despite doing that, I am in no way a slacker, etc. I strive to be the best at what I do, and I work hard. Even with every intention to leave the company, I will and do fulfil my duties and beyond. Not because I’m expected to, but because I can’t help it. It’s precisely because of this as well that I felt I had no choice but to act irrationally. That’s not all, during my initial performance review, I mentioned to my managers (in part to do with a declining industry) that it was not necessary for me to be promoted. I will always do what is expected of me, and what I believe should be done to achieve the goals of the project within my means. I don’t need to be paid more, nor be given a better title for me to carry them out. So again, why did I have to act irrationally?
If my wish of being unemployed in this way truly comes to fruit, then I’ll be left with nothing much. Maybe the people, particularly my managers will still be willing to put in a good word for me for my next job. I have yet to even try to secure a new job – so I’ll be jobless. I won’t be able to remain in Singapore, so I’ll either have to return to Australia, or back home – Brunei. It’s as though as I’m just waiting for an angel to drop from above to give me a job without me even trying. Or perhaps, that’s not even what I want? Am i putting too much faith in myself that I’ll be able to find that entrepreneur within me to bring together something that will both sustain my interest and feed me? Am I simply being ignorant or overconfident of my own abilities? I have during the past year and before, read many articles which points towards this being a very risky / disastrous path. Most advise towards doing this on the sidelines WHILE being in a stable job as the best way of transitioning. So why am I being so stubborn..?
Do I simply take joy in gambling with my own fate?
Perhaps the excitement of achieving a goal outside of the norm overwhelms the possibility of just being successful the tried and true way?
I’ve come to realise that I’ve exhibited this behaviour a few times in my life..
Long ago back in high school, I took part in athletics, particularly long distance running. It was the norm (and the obvious thing to do) to practice diligently to build up your stamina in preparation for the event. However, once I simply refused and decided that winning like that simply wasn’t exciting enough. I wanted to do it without any preparation. So i did. I didn’t win, but I came in 2nd. Was it because I wanted to brag about it, no, surprisingly. It was mostly to test myself and to satisfy my own curiosity to see how far I would get, simply by being me.
This again happened in a similar fashion when I used to take part in competitive gaming locally in Brunei. I annoyed my teammates quite a bit because of my curious nature to ‘experiment’ and try fancy and unproven things. We were at that time, the leading team in this game we were playing. During crucial moments in the tournaments, I would – behave irrationally in order to ‘create’ a much more exciting win. This could mean, I would intentionally put ourselves in a situation which, if wasn’t executed perfectly, could throw the game. Clearly, doing things normally would already win the game, but that wasn’t enough for me.
That definitely describes me as being a selfish person, putting everyone’s need aside to satisfy my own curiosity. Though, at that time – I rationalised my behaviour towards, it being JUST a game. There’s no need to be so serious over winning.
Today, I think that’s still true. I have little, to no desire to win. Little, to no desire to be rich. Little, to no desire to be number one. However, I have every bit of intention and desire to try and experiment things in ways that I imagine possible. All this, in hopes to better myself.
that being said, am I simply just a compulsive gambler?
If you’ve managed to survive through that rant, I would really love to hear from you 🙂 ciao!
Post submitted in response to the Weekly Photo Challenge – Rare