Just a random rant..
It's been a really long time since I had to resort to dumping my thoughts out on the web.
How did it even turn out like this?
Things had appeared to move along quite nicely, and then one day I HAD to be persistent. I simply asked your mum a question and she gave such a cryptic yet suggestive answer that it pushed me to do something I normally wouldn't. I've always been a coward when it came to opening up my feelings but somehow she just knew what to say to push me to do something.
As i pushed, and pushed, I learnt that you were going through something that I was COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS to. like WTF. How da fuck could I have been so clueless and blind to it. It completely threw me off and I simply couldn't act sane anymore after learning that.
My bestfriend totally advised me against my "amazing" plan to surprise you from the very beginning. Despite all the hiccups along the way leading up to the great reveal, I persisted and fought against her advise of NOT doing it the way I wanted to -- Then... your reveal upended everything.
Like FUCK. Of all the things I'd thought could possibly happen, this was so OUT OF THE BLUE.
Given the way things has progressed since your reveal, I'm continued to stumble during each and every one of our interactions. I don't know even know how to be myself anymore in your presence.
It had a been a fucking long and painful year.
You gave me a safe place to regain my composure during all of my hard times.
It felt like you were always listening and understood my pain.
You were my safe haven.
And when you were hurt, I stumbled HARD.
I just really wanted to give you a hug and tell you that things will be okay. If I knew things was gonna turn out the way it is now, I should have just let the surprise proceed as planned. At least that way I would have gone down in a way where I could really express my feelings for you. Instead, I say stupid things, again and again.
I really want to tell you that I miss you. I really do..
When I close all my eyes, all I see is you glowing when you were looking after your friend's daughter that one afternoon. You would be such a perfect mum.. your smile, your advise, your care towards her. You shined so brightly when you were interacting with her and I simply couldn't take my eyes off you. I wish I had just mentioned it there and then.. you're amazing you know that?
But each time I look at you now, all I see is a person that I thought I had known and understood, even if only a little. What do you even think of me now...?
I really want to know how you're feeling now. I'm worried about your wellbeing, but the selfish side of me is also really worried that I've completely lost you given the way I've responded to recent events. I sincerely care about you and I just want to be the one to hold you and give you warmth and comfort...
Was I simply so blind to notice that we're both brought up so differently and are in completely different status groups. What blind fuck would even think that I was even remotely close to be being able to come close to someone you might even consider. I've made a complete fool of myself...
You do seem like you're doing perfectly fine without my presence. Your activities and your precious friends seem to be looking after you during this time.
Is it so selfish of me to just want a small slice of that..
I'm so shattered right now, how do i even continue to put up a happy front...... FML.